Traditionally, cannibal cookery has concentrated on the preparation of but a few portions of the female anatomy. Thigh, rump, ribs, breast, and shoulder are standard fare on the menus of most anthropophagists, and a wide selection of recipes, from the simple to the exotic, have been published for these pleasant cuts of meat (see Monella, S.: A Cookbook for Cannibals, 1990).
Frequently overlooked, however, is the female abdomen, which until recently was appreciated only by a small handful of connoisseurs. Happily, the belly is now getting a closer look by many gourmets world-wide, and a new era of alvinophagy (literally translated as "belly eating") seems to be dawning in the world of cannibal cuisine.
The reason for this growing interest in midriff meat is simple. Belly, whether roasted, baked, broiled or boiled is subtly sweet, superbly succulent, and exquisitely tender.
The abdomen is simply defined as that portion of the female body located between the ribcage and pelvic girdle. Internally, it contains the bulk of the organs involved in digestion (the haggis), excretion (the chittlins), and reproduction (the "whoopee tube"). These organs are overlain by several thick layers of muscle which comprise the edible meat of the abdomen, often referred to as filet du ventre or simply filet d'fille in culinary circles.
On the whole, the abdomen is noteworthy for its lack of anatomical landmarks. The most prominent is the umbilicus or "belly-button", located roughly dead center in the middle of the abdomen. On some females, a shallow, usually poorly defined furrow may be observed down the center of the abdomen, extending between sternum and navel. This is the linea alba (literally, the white line) where the two primary muscle masses comprising the right and left sides of the abdomen meet.
One of the dominant features of the abdomen's landscape is the navel, located roughly midpoint between the ribcage and pelvis. For the true stomach savant, the navel is regarded as the jewel which crowns the abdomen. Many early cultures revered the navel, considering it to be the seat of the soul, and in some parts of the world it is believed that a woman's character and fortunes in life can be divined by careful study of her umbilicus (a process called omphalomancy ). [Of course, the true alvinophage need only examine a woman's navel for a few moments to decide where she's going to end up!]
The female umbilicus can be classified into two basic groups. The first (and universally regarded as least desirable) class is the outie , a small mass of tissue which protrudes above the surface of the abdomen. In addition to being aesthetically unpleasing (and thus unfit to be served on the discriminating table) the outie is also an indication that the flesh of the abdomen is comparatively thin and very apt to be slightly tough and stringy.
The second class is the innie, a small depression of variable size, depth and shape. It is, conversely, universally regarded as the most desirable form of navel. Happily, the innie occurs with far greater frequency than the outie.
While each navel is as uniquely different from another as a person's fingerprints, several very generalized categories of belly button morphology are observed. These forms are:
1. The round
2. The oval
3. The almond-shaped
4. The inverted triangle
5. The vertical slit
While some epicures have argued in favor of one general form over another as the perfect shape for a navel (for example, the almond-shaped navel is touted in China as the ultimate umbilical geometry), no consensus has been reached, and the majority of alvinophagists are quite content to contemplate each navel on its individual merits.
In addition to its aesthetic merits, the innie offers a valuable clue as to the thickness of the abdominal flesh; the deeper the navel, the thicker the meat.
Happily, the long tradition of the bare-belly in modern fashion has made field differentiation of good tummy from bad a rather simple (and pleasurable) activity, especially when trying to select a free range as opposed to a farm-raised abdomen. However, the process of selecting a perfect abdomen is difficult to describe on paper. It is an intuitive art, which sometimes requires years of experience to master. However, a few rules of thumb are offered to the beginner.
Optimally the female abdomen should be neither too lean, too fat, too muscular, nor too flabby. The belly should display fluid, gentle, feminine curves, and should be embellished by a well-formed navel.
When the muscles of the female abdomen are overly-developed, a condition known as washboard stomach exists; this is a clear warning sign that the abdominal flesh will likely be tough. Equally, a fat and flabby tummy almost always yields fat and flabby meat. The author has found it especially instructive for students to learn the "silver dollar test": A silver dollar is bounced off the abdomen of the prospective donor; if the ricocheting coin embeds itself in the ceiling, the musculature of the abdomen is too developed; if the coin embeds itself in a fold of fat, the flesh is too flabby. If the coin bounces ever so lightly into the air, the abdomen is deemed good tummy
A lengthy debate has raged in the cannibal community as to whether or not ethnicity is a significant factor in female flesh flavor. In an effort to settle this debate, extensive side-by-side taste comparisons were conducted at the U.S. Navel Academy by the author in 1986 to determine whether or not ethnic origin significantly affected belly flavor. All were compared to an "American Standard" abdomen (established, for the purposes of this study only, to be corn-fed Iowa farmgirl) A diverse range of nationalities were sampled (English, Swedish, Spanish, French, Italian, Greek, Equatorial African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Brazilian, and Mexican). While some subtle nuances in flavor and texture were noted (especially between Oriental and American Standard abdomen), the results proved inconclusive, and could easily be attributed to differences in the individual diets (as opposed to true ethnic flavor differences) of the female volunteers. The author hopes to repeat the experiment (on a wider and more statistically accurate basis) in the near future. The findings will be published in The American Anthropophagist as soon as they become available.
Because of the delicate flavor of belly, it should never be overpowered with rich sauces or heavy spices. Most abdomen aficionados advocate "minimalist" recipes... simply roasting, baking, broiling or boiling the midriff meat after a very light seasoning with salt and pepper is preferred. Such an unpretentious presentation never ceases to please even the most jaded cannibal palate. "California Grille" style tummy has received consistently favorable reviews.
Because abdominal flesh is so tender, a small but growing school espousing "belly button tartare" has begun to push its way into the mainstream of cannibal thought, and it is rumored that "navel sushi" (thinly sliced strips of abdominal flesh, wrapped around cooked rice, and ornamented with an umbilicus) has become the rage amongst Japanese enthusiasts.
A note on garnishing: though seldom required, the author suggests the use an olive to garnish the navel of tummies of Mediterranean origin (a subliminal echo of the females' dusky, olive complexion) while the light-skinned Scandinavian abdomens seem to just cry out for the more festive maraschino cherry.
Raised by badgers until the age of 12, D.E. Russell attended the prestigious Lawn Guyland University, where he pioneered the use of thinly sliced liverwurst in origami. He joined the staff of Thyestes Culinary Academy in 1982, where he gained considerable notoriety by consuming most of the secretarial pool during spring recess. His hobbies include reproducing 16th century Italian terrazzo mosaics using dead flies and sugar cubes, and collecting early Marcel Marceau phonograph records. He is best known for his best-selling novel entitled "Gonorrhea with the Wind", for which he was awarded the French government's "Legion d'Fromage" in 1979. Next year, he plans to lead a documentary film crew on a six week long backpacking trip across Candy Crawford.